Breakable and Unbearable

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

So how do people do it?


Since its so common for husband and wife nowadays to be living apart or become weekend husband and weekend wife, how on earth do they do it?


Its only been 2 weeks and I am NOT surviving! I don't understand why I'm so weak, vulnerable and fragile yet this is how I have become. You may say this is because I'm a newlywed, well, that's true, so? You may say, tsk tsk, young people these days overreact too much, well, so what can be done about this? You may say, this is only the beginning, so what is the ending? You may say, hold on, never give up and so I say, how do I hold on when my heart hurts? when my whole body and soul hurts? when I got him and then I had to lose him? when before this, it didn't even matter but now it matters so much and too much, when I can't stop thinking about him, when I'm fast losing the battle and nothing else matters? Tell me please...


I have heard every single cliche available and I need something stronger, a heavier dose, something else please. I know its too much to ask but are there any chance that I might get it?


I know other people have it so much harder, some spouse are even overseas! Some are not even in this world anymore. But that still does not explain the pain I feel. I know I'm supposed to put things into perspective and everyone knows I am a positive person but how am I supposed to do that when I'm almost always feeling distressed and depressed!



All I know is the word


PRAY


and that's what I'm doing even though tears are always there when I'm praying :'(


What if I can't handle it? Is it possible that if I sacrifice something more, I might get better?


Heart, don't fail me now!
Courage, don't desert me!
Don't turn back
Now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear!
Or how a road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you
On this journey...


On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns and it suffers every ill that it earns. (pray): "Our Lord! condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; help us against those who stand against faith."
Al-Baqara [2:286]


Ya Allah, the tears sting and its irritating :'(

21.01.2011

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

I never got round to telling my blog that I am married, well, I am. So there.


I still am ambivalent about being a wife, its all so overwhelming and daunting. I remembered that when it was just around the corner, I was very much flustered that I wasnt prepared physically, emotionally, spiritually and intelectually :-s


and not to say that I am now.


You know, Time stopped on the morning of the 21st January 2011. I remembered people kept telling me that I had to rest because tonight was an important night and that I was treated like a princess! But I couldnt relax, not when I was about to hold a worthy and glorious yet intimidating position that night!


Alhamdulillah everything went well from the solemnization to the reception on my family side and it was at that moment that Time was evil, it went fast forward and I was on autopilot and I could feel my feet above the ground.


I felt like I was flying and that I had someone by my side who would always make sure that I was never going to fall yet at the same time, I'm so terribly scared that I might fall because of my own carelessness. I'm so afraid that if my fingers slipped through his, I might plunge so all I want to do is hold his hand ever so tightly and never letting go. I felt like I was looking down and I saw my family and they were waving at me beaming and cheering me on, wanting me to fly but at the same time, wishing in their hearts that they never had to let me go. and then I was flying faster and faster and I had loved the clouds and fresh air on my face and body and I splayed-out my arms and let loose not wanting to ever come down. and then, he had to fly somewhere else, somewhere far and he let go of my hand and flew in another direction and I didn't want to fly anymore. I wanted to land. So I landed and started walking. and I wanted to run but I couldn't because my heart was heavy and then it hurt and my eyes become blurry with tears. and I couldn't sprint because I couldn't see.




not until he takes my hand again.