But she didnt!!! she didnt!!! she didnt!!!

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

So much for optimism. I feel pessimistic and the bitterness is starting to taste in my mouth and even though I'm trying to swallow all the sweetness there is but so far, none could get rid of the resentment and harsh realities that I have to face.


and that's what sucks! I know that when you have tried and then you pray for the outcome, its so easy to simply say, oh Tawakkal but the practicality of Tawakkal is so much harder to adopt and adapt and then to practise!


Its also so easy to say to people oh Sabar but when it comes back to me, I freeze because I expected something else since at the back of my mind I'm already holding on. Surely there must be some other words out there that could comfort me when I'm losing a battle :'(

December Spring Cleaning

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

The reasons why I don't like cleaning up and turning my room upside down are:

1. My house is hot and I really want all round air-conditioning!
2. I get sweaty hence I get severe rashes on my body therefore my skin itches and burn!
3. I tend to want everything too much organized that it hurts my head to think on HOW best to organize all those stuffs!
4. I am allergic to heat and dirt, yes, it is true!
5. Most of the time, I just don't know where to start!

It's really frustrating that I am a sucker for clutter, sigh~

Salam Maal Hijrah 1432

Pray

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

Justin Bieber - Pray

Ohh Ohh
I just can't sleep tonight.
Knowing that things ain't right.
It's in the papers, it's on the TV, it's everywhere that I go.
Children and crying.
Soldiers are dying
Some people don't have a home

But I know there's sunshine behind that rain
I know there's good times behind that pain
Hey... can you tell me how I can make a change?

I close my eyes and I can see a brighter day
I close my eyes and pray
I close my eyes and I can see a better day
I close my eyes and pray

I lose my appetite, knowing kids starve tonight.
When I sit up, cause my dinner is still on my plate.
Ooo I got a vision, to make a difference.
And it's starting today.

Cause I know there's sunshine behind that rain
I know there's good times behind that pain
Can you tell me how I can make a change?

I close my eyes and I can see a brighter day
I close my eyes and pray
I close my eyes and I can see a better day

I close my eyes and pray for the broken-hearted.
I pray for the life not started
I pray for all the ones not breathing.
I pray for all the souls in need.
I pray. Can you give em one today?

I just can't sleep tonight.
Can someone tell me how to make a change?

I close my eyes and I can see a brighter day
I close my eyes and pray
I close my eyes and I can see a better day
I close my eyes and I pray


I dedicate this song to the people of Palestine and I rather be there than where I'm posted but actions speak louder than words. Besides, I will cry. It will make me stronger perhaps?




Another point comes to mind is that if I want something so bad, I gotta pray a lot, and lots of praying. At one third of the night perhaps? It is the school holidays...

Did I Ever Think Even For 1 Second That I Was Invincible?!

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum



I thought I was invincible
I had a clean record
and perfect moves
and also I had pride


The feeling was a negative one
and I keep on reminding myself
that it was a bad attitude
and sometimes reckless
otherwise necessary


When it happened
I was in shock
I wanted to accept it
but it was hard


It did happened and it's still replaying
over and over again


Although everything is so surreal but the fact is if I keep on saying that I don't believe it, Ya Allah, betul ke, betul ke, everytime, my faith is in hot water and I need to reflect and look back on what happened and take lessons and learn from it and only then will my faith be restored :'(

Belief in al-qadar (the Divine decree) is the sixth pillar of faith, and no one’s faith is complete without it. In Saheeh Muslim (8) it is narrated that Ibn ‘Umar (radhiyaAllahu anhum) heard that some people were denying al-qadar. He said: “If I meet these people I will tell them that I have nothing to do with them and they have nothing to do with me. By the One by Whom ‘Abd-Allah Ibn ‘Umar swore, if one of them had gold equivalent to Mount Uhud and he spent it, Allah would not accept it from him unless he believed in al-qadar.” Note that what is meant by belief in al-qada’ (the Divine will) is: certain belief that everything that happens in this universe happens by the will and decree of Allah.

You should also note that belief in al-qadar is not valid unless you believe in the four aspects of al-qadar, which are as follows:

1. Belief that Allah knows all things, in general terms and in detail, from eternity to eternity. Not a single atom is unknown to Him in the heavens or on earth.

2. Belief that Allah has decreed all things in al-Lawh al-Mahfooz, fifty thousand years before He created the heavens and the earth.

3. Belief that the will of Allah is irresistable and His decree is comprehensive, so nothing happens in this universe, good or bad, but by His will.

4. Belief that all that exists was created by Allah. He is the Creator of all beings and the Creator of their attributes and actions, as He says:

“Such is Allah, your Lord! Laa Ilaaha illa Huwa (none has the right to be worshipped but He), the Creator of all things”
(Glorious Qur'aan: Surah Al-An’aam, 6: v102)

It's a pretty good read:

Source (click to read more!) :


Belief In The Qada' & Qadar

I was never a Teenager -__-'

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

I was never one of them. I must have skipped that age between 13 to 19. They're all so weird. They refuse to study and lack even an ounce of motivation that they need to study in order to survive the exam-oriented system and come out successfully! Even if they are not academically inclined, they still do not have skills and talents to survive this fast paced world. They have been clueless when they entered high school and wishes to maintain that way until they leave! Its incredulous!


They never fit in and always constantly looking for identities and what's with that?! With all the songs singing Just The Way You Are, you would have think that when they're singing, they're actually internalizing what the song is trying to prove but nahh, they still do crazy stuffs to get attention.




I don't understand them when they go through the so-called stages of physical development as time catches up. The experts say that a child on reaching the age of a teen will experience substantial development that will affect his physical, mental and personality. And I see that teenage boys want to explore smoking as a result of peer pressure and this makes their physique looking like a drug dealer and teenage girls being all giggly wanting to explore their sexuality and feel loved. How can all these be happening? How can they go through these phases of age evolution and face a multitude of challenges?! and why am I even here?! Why can't I be somewhere else!


It's so difficult to understand and communicate with them. It's like no matter what you do or say, they just don't want to listen or refuse to even look at us when we're talking like a madwoman! Its like I have given them the utmost attention and served them but in truth such is not enough so what is enough and when will enough be enough?


Nothing is right with them and its frustrating! Its like you can't do right where they are concerned and no matter how you try to be nice to them, they still make you feel like the wicked witch of the west!


All these rants of mine sounds familiar but I don't remember ever being a teenager.

Letters to Me

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

"'What' and ‘if’
two words as nonthreatening as words come.
But put them together side-by-side
and they have the power to haunt you
for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."


"I don't know how your story ended.
But I know that if what you felt
then was love - true love - then
it's never too late. If it was true
then why wouldn't it be true
now? You need only the courage to
follow your heart..."


"I don't know what a love like that
feels like... a love to leave loved
ones for, a love to cross oceans
for... but I'd like to believe if I
ever felt it. I'd have the courage
to seize it. I hope you had the
courage to seize it, Claire. And if
you didn't, I hope one day that you
will."

Teachers CARE even when Teachers don't teach that Student!

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum



I have only taught one of the sibling, the Form 4 one, a boy.


But I knew his big brother from Form 5 last year. Now his elder sister is in Form 5. He also has twin sisters in Form 1. The big brother is furthering his studies now. So at school, there are 4 of them and all the teachers know their family. All of them are nice and regard the teachers with very high respect, their parents have taught them well ^__^


And then, the father collapsed and it was sudden death.


The mother still works but they may have to leave their current house. And then there's a younger brother in Standard 1 and a 9 month old baby. Could it get any heart wrenching than it already is?


and I'm still sad over my petty problems T_T


O ye who believe! Allah doth but make a trial of you in a little matter of game well within reach of your hands and your lances, that He may test who feareth Him unseen: any who transgress thereafter, will have a grievous penalty.
Al-Maeda [5:94]


Every soul shall have a taste of death: and We test you by evil and by good by way of trial: to Us must ye return.
Al-Anbiya [21:35]

It seems like I have all the time in the world for Tumblr!

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

I can see why people turn to Tumblr now since sometimes words just fail me in writing for my blog. In spite of having so much to say, I tend to brush it off or leaving it unpublished and then looking back and wondering if I should have posted it for the world to see, sigh, wassup with that right?!


So I would like to promote my Tumblr and I don't expect followers (never did anyway) and I don't expect anything actually just that when you read my Tumblr, you'll see things that amazes you and pwetty things and beautiful quotes that is relevant to your situation and whatever it is you see! Because the reason I finally did a Tumblr was that I wanted all those images, quotes, and whatnot for my own personal collection because I had loved looking at em and pretty much all that I reblog are relevant to me so my Tumblr is what you see is what you get ;)




(Click on the Screen Cap to go directly to yours truly Tumblr)


The best part about Tumblr is of course Reblogging and believe me when I say that it is addictive so I better watch out! Now I say that Tumblr is my new muse but I do cringe when I spend too much time Tumblr-hopping to reblog and then there's the feeling that I just wanna reblog everything because everything is just so cool! So my warning would be to have a little control tho it doesn't help that sometimes I'm free at night and all I wanna do is snack away and reblog! :p

What I don't like about Tumblr is that there's too much swear words and most Tumblr-ers that I come across are teenagers and its not a good thing as Tumblr somehow encourages youngsters that its cool to use those swear words whereas its not! I'm not trying to be all grown-up pointing a finger and waggling it going all grandma with my hair tied in a bun critisizing that Tumblr this and Tumblr that but seriously, swearing and using swear words ARE NOT COOL and doesn't prove anything and the best people out there do not swear so get over it teenagers who swear, boo!

All in all, I'm not trying to write a testimonial about Tumblr because its prolly an IN thing now, but seriously, Tumblr is just cool, no kidding man!

It's still Syawal!

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

Its still Syawal so I would like to wish everyone who knows or may not know me (yet!) a Very Very Happy Eid Mubarak!




This Eid doesn't really feel like much of an Eid! For the 1st time in my life, I don't care (or mind at all!) about attire and whether I should have eaten less and ironically, now I do mind! I felt like I should have bought that extra baju kurung (pretty much because I'm a teacher) that was on display at Kompleks PKNS before Raya because it had cost less than RM100 and now its probably not a discounted item anymore, wuuhuu T_T


and now I realize that I shouldn't have eaten so much because well...you can poke my cheeks for that, urgh!!


It's no good crying over split milk because I should have known better but that's the problem, I don't!


I don't really like routines but on Eid, its an exception. So the routine every year is that:


1st day of Raya: Wake up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy (okay, so how does that supposed to feel like :p), Raya prayers, eating nasi minyak and sate and laksa, ask for forgiveness from parents, siblings and relatives, take lots and lots of pictures, give money to kids who come just for the money, go to Pulau Rusa (Abah's relatives) and sometimes at night, either there's a guest or we go somewhere and be the guest in someplace!


On the 2nd day of Raya: Basically just visit all of Mama's relatives until nightfall.


3rd day of Raya: Go to Kemaman for Abah's side of the family where there would be meet & greet sessions, tahlil for Abah's parents and his one arwah brother, eating nasi dagang (but this year, there was nasi minyak and sata!), take pictures, cleaning up and chatting and family meetings and all the festive family stuffs that family do on Raya!


4th Day of Raya: Back to Shah Alam with a few stops here and there and sleep until my hijab is all upside down in the car, LOL :p


When would Raya not be a routine?! I don't know but moods and feelings are always different because every year people and things around you change and that's when the routine breaks a bit by bit and don't get me started on next year coz I'll get excited, teehee :"p


Btw, that emoticon up there looks like me eating sate :p

Please be nice to me ^__^

I need BOTH a CAT and a BOOK to make me SLEEP

But I only have a book [in the meantime] oh well...


and I probably need to do a Tumblr :p

September is Tomorrow!

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum


September this year is a BIG deal for me and I pray a lot that things work out the way I want it to be BUT THEN, there's always that niggling feeling that perhaps what I want may not be what I need and I say phooey to that! What if what I need is exactly what I want?!


So this Ramadhan, I shouldnt have been lazy because I have sooo many things to ask for and when I ask, I need to double my efforts in praying because I cant just have it without working for it so please, I need an answer and I will try to be patient~

So is it any important?!

Just a little bit...

Lost in Translation

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

I wish you were there, heck, I wish there was an audience!


You should have seen the boy, undersized, timid and has a squeaky voice which annoys the whole staffroom! and what did he do you ask? He swore at a teacher, he lied and rebelled and retaliated when the teacher reprimanded him and then he was called upon by the discipline teacher. and then that's when the drama happened...


He doesn't understand what he did ALTHOUGH he knew he was wrong! He doesn't understand because he doesn't understand Malay and we, the teachers were SOOO irritated only God knows how much! Can you imagine telling off a person for how many minutes and that person knows you are angry because you have flared nostrils ridges, wide unblinking eyes, voice in volume 4.5 and still, that person despite being scared but tak paham cikgu!!


I was one of the spectator and even I clenched my fist gerammm!! Who's to blame for the fact that he is without a shadow of doubt wrong but he doesn't understand all the scolding and lectures that he deserves?!


and that my friend, is the problem that my colleagues and I face in the school where long ago, the Communist used to lived where I'm working now. It's a pity that some students learn Malay and English not in that language and then even when they're Form 5, they failed to understand the simplest Malay and English! and don't get me started on teaching and learning!! How can I possibly teach students English when they don't even understand Malay let alone a second language! and plus low levels of motivation + uncivilized attitude + barbarous manners + no sense that knowledge is the key and + many many more, too many!!


and that's the main problem of the school and perhaps why the issue of SJKC and SJKT needs to be adressed without being politically oriented! The students lack exposure and experience in both the language of the nation and the country's declaration of English as the second language. and I have trouble teaching English in...English!


It's an outcry! and I want to raise a hue and cry!

Birthday Post

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

I always write a Birthday Post, it's a ritual :p


and I'm sorta kinda turning my blog into a blog cum Tumblr so bear with me and my constant writer's block -_-'


I credited the source and you can see it if you click on the images ;)


So I thought I let my readers know what my Birthday Wishes are since I'm old, boo hoo!

Free to dance~



Get marry asap with a wedding gown like this :p




Visit all the 7 wonders of the world, or is that 8 wonders? 9? 10? or just travel around the world!
or maybe just settle in Paris, aaaahhhh~



read loads and loads!



Yes, thank you indeed ;)




Most of all, I want to be closer to Allah (",)

Ramadhan Qareem ^_^

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

my heart is hurting :'(

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

IF...

AND...

YET...

SO...

The Social Visits

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

Last recent Monday, 4 teachers including me went on a social visit to the homes of 3 excellent students who the school target them to be the school's top scorers in PMR and SPM because they have been doing very well indeed not just in their academic but also in sports and attitude wise. I was pretty excited because this would be my first time visiting students' home, getting to know their family and make a personal connection with my students' more and actually going out of Kemayan a bit to somewhere that I never knew existed. The program is called 'Kunjungan Mesra' and apparently my school has been doing it every year to encourage the student to do a whole lot better and to make sure the family helps the student and also to offer assistance to the family on behalf of the school.


At first I have to admit, I thought it was a bit awkward, I mean, waddaya do when you get to the homes? Waddaya say? and Why do we hafta go to their homes again? I mean, its not that I don't want to go but I didn't really see the point initially when the program was to be conducted. Nonetheless, I was steady and ready to actually gain insights!


Actually, there were many students who the school target to be top scorers, 30 (in both major exams, PMR and SPM if I'm not mistaken) and so teachers who taught these students were divided into 3 groups and in that 3 groups, teachers were again divided on who would go to this house or that house.



The first house I went to was a girl student of mine, form 3. She is quiet, nice and hardworking although I remembered having scolded her for speaking too faintly when doing presentations and answering questions, huhu. I already knew her family was poor but I didn't quite realized that it felt like a Bersamamu program when I parked in front of her house. It broke my heart that her family lack a lot of things and that only her was the hope of the family and if she didn't score well in PMR, she would probably be stuck in the same situation she is now or she would most probably be a factory girl like her eldest sister...I didn't know what to say except boring ol cliche words of studying hard and you can do it, blabla, it felt insipid because I wanted her to be extraordinary and yet, I dread if she fail to reach the benchmark...Why do I say this? Because somehow, she is not like Nik Madihah, and the thing is, she needs to be but she's not so how do you make her see? I have no idea either...


The second house is totally different from the first. Located half an hour (or 40 minutes?) from school going down a long and winding lonely road with nothing but oil palm trees and cows and horrid road holes and then I saw it, houses far from civilazation named Ladang Risda. She is a form 3 student of mine and the closest to me so I was pretty much looking forward to see her family. Her father is educated and is the boss of the place so the house is big, comfortable and it has all the things that a banglo in a city has so basically when I entered her house, it didn't seem like she lived far from the world at all. As a result of an educated father, a mother who cares for her only daughter's education and because she had once schooled in a Methodist school, we, the teachers spent quite a lot of time there talking. Her father said that although the pay is good but its hard to live so far from everything. The parents have to teach their sons and daughter everything from the Quran to the academic stuffs and when they don't have time to do so, that's when they worry. It's different living in the town or city whereby you could just sent your children to people's houses, maybe a tutor comes and teach, to tuition centres and etc but they couldn't do it because after school, the children are already tired and then at night, the roads are too scary plus the father works so he's weary too. But then, I salute the parents because every night this girl does go to tuition done by the teachers of my school on every Monday to Thursday night, 8.30pm-10.30pm. and I am one of the teacher and I never knew that she lived so far away. I am always punctual to come and let the students out at 10.30pm and I never knew her parents actually slept in the Hilux while I'm teaching and that sometimes, her younger bros come and stayed in the car while waiting 2 hours for her. I NEVER KNEW these things and ONLY THEN I KNEW and it disturb me like hell...I don't know what to do and one of the teacher said that its normal for parents to make these kind of sacrifices and that as long as I'm doing a good job then I don't hafta worry about anything BUT I DO and that Monday night, I let my students go back at 10pm. At least when the girl arrives home, it would be before 11pm and the parents could sleep well at last after a hard day's work...


The third house was an average house and the family is not too poor nor too rich and not much to tell about the third student because I don't teach him so I don't really know him very well. Besides, it was getting late and we needed to go back before the sun sets.

I want children for my parents ;p

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

I have been going back every weekend this month of July to take care of my aunt who has been in hospital and Alhamdulillah has already been discharged.


I slept in the hospital on a sleeping bag but still I could feel the cold hospital floor and it hurt my back and then I would instantly awaken when the docs and nurses came not to mention when my aunt called me.
I tasted the horrible hospital food.
I watched how hard and helpless a patient can became.
I observed that nurses have to be very meticulous and be capable of both patience and perseverence.
I witnessed that visitors feel awkward because they don't know whether they should linger because they think the patient likes it OR they should just stay a minute or two because they would disturb the patient.
I noticed that sometimes flowers cheer the hospital room but its sad to see them finally wilted.
and fruits are good gifts!
and the cheese tarts in Hospital Putrajaya are grand! :p



I am not used to taking care of the sick and one of my -ve trait is impatience but with all the experiences I gained in taking care of my aunt, it resulted in me having a still point: Would I be ready to take full responsibility of my parents when they're old? Would I be there? Would I be patient? Would I do anything and everything for them? Would I make the necessary sacrifices? Would I love and cherish them like they do to me? Would I? Would I? Because I'm scared and I love my parents so much just like I love my aunt and I slept like a log after coming back from my hospital stay!


I'm ashamed to admit that I was tired and it scares me BUT it's true, the cliche is true, LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL, InsyaAllah~



Treatment of Parents according to the Noble Qur’an

---

}وَ قَضى‏ رَبُّكَ أَلاَّ تَعْبُدُوا إِلاَّ إِيَّاهُ وَ بِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَاناً إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاَهُمَا فَلاَ تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَ لاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَ قُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيـماً {

“And your Lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but Him, and that you shall show goodness to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) “Ugh” nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word.”

Noble Qur’an, Surat Bani Isra’il (17) Verse 23

Forgive me for everything Abah & Mama :'(

13th July marks the first day I started working!

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

I don't know whether to be thrilled that 1 year has passed since I started working or distress that I'm still stuck here, it's hard to decide...


Although my colleagues do not read my blog (which is probably a good thing!), I still would like to dedicate my 1 year anniversary to them and tell my readers of the reason why...




I have been blessed although not-that-far-from-home but I have got great & understanding colleagues, heck, they're my friends now ;)


My school has about 50 teachers and the staffroom is pretty small so I actually memorize every teachers' seats, haha, or is that me being OCD :p


My colleagues and I are pretty much different from our background, upbringing, age, experiences and so much more but we embrace that differences to form one basic similarity = the SMILE!


yes, the SMILE! that brought every male and female teachers
to bond together,
to go on getaways together,
to unite when the students get really outta hand,
to use the cane,
to laugh that fills the air of the staffroom,
to defend one another against the Powers-to-Be,
to support when the going gets tough,
to make endless jokes,
to be goofy because we all know we could make fun of you and vice versa,
to share secret anecdotes,
to call the discipline teacher just by a phone call and he would come straight to your class,
to the teasing because you would tease back,
to do potluck once a week,
to go out and eat in the middle of school hours but we ain't skipping class,
to impart stories on that particular student,
to understand that I go back every week,
to the invitations of fishing, bbq, Cameron Highlands, Tasik Bera (when am I ever going to go?)
to passing food in the middle of a meeting because someone is beating around the bush,
to talk when other teachers are talking [tsk tsk, this one must be reprimanded!],
to divulge in the secrets of teaching (are there any?!),
to gossip,
to imagine that the school is a place of absolute solace,
to comfort one another,
to motivate that teaching is yes indeed noble and that we're all wonderful magnificent teachers,
to remind one another that we're all answerable to God,
and lastly, to LOVE because


I love all of em because of Allah~