no rezeki yet it hurts

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum T_T

There was a post I wrote earlier this year about feeling ever so sad of losing a netball match because of many reasons not just simply for the reason of loss…

Well, it happened again…

And this time, everyone knew because as hard as I tried to cover up my frustrations, sadness and tears, unfortunately it became too transparent.

I hated the pent-up emotions I get but I choked as I held all the what-could-have-beens…

Jati and I entered the doubles women Inter College Regatta Kayak held at the Proton Lake in Proton City. We didn’t practise much, maximum thrice a week and minimum twice a week, and this was until all assignments have been passed up. Then came the big day and I was nervous because some of the participants were in the sports science course and made us felt intimidated. But intimidated as we were, we had NO expectations, we just wanted to kayak and have fun!

But we played hard because we had practise hard, we did! And we got third place!
*grinning from ear to ear*
Alhamdulillah~

And so we got into the finals and when it was the finals, this time, we HAD EXPECTATIONS that we could ACTUALLY GET 3^rd PLACE AGAIN!

And we gripped to that notion that we could because we believed we could, besides, it was only 3^rd place, not 1^st or 2^nd.
And we were there, we were, we were leading, we struggled so hard to get there and then…suddenly…

Out of the blue, we didn’t see it coming…

A kayak sped right past us JUST AS WE WERE NEARLY CROSSING THE FINISH LINE! And when we did, Jati dropped her paddle, it was so shocking, the results announcing at the back declaring that we came in 4^th place

I wanted to choke, I wanted to throw a tantrum, I wanted to chuck my paddle but I’m not like that, so I just paddled hard to get to the shore and my whole body shook, my hands were trembling trying to open the lifejacket, I consoled myself so hard that it hurt and IT HURT SO BAD T_T

And when it was the grand dinner for the JMK that night, everyone kept asking and when I explained, I had to suppressed the tears and when I bent down to fiddle with the napkin, my tears came out, and I cried, not because of losing, but because it hurt of the COULD HAVE BEEN… T_T

Truthfully, I accepted the fact that I lost, I know there’s no rezeki for me this time around but it hurts to be so near, so very near and to lose… T_T

And obey Allah and His Messenger; and fall into no disputes, lest ye lose heart and your power depart; and be patient and persevering: for Allah is with those who patiently persevere.

Al-Anfal [8:46]

To Izzati aka Jati, I know that u also cried and that we had tried and that it’s so frustrating BUT you should know that the sweetest thing that came out from all of this is that, I get to spend so much time with you for good and bad times and I wouldn’t change a thing about that because I loved every minute that we had while kayaking, getting splashed, playing on the swings and the kids slides and walking around the park like couples and talking and talking. I’m going to miss you so much and this year’s eid mubarak, I’m going to come to your house tau! And we promised to go kayaking at the Shah Alam Park, jom! =D