38 Weeks and Nervous...

This life, it hurts :'(

This life, it hurts sometimes, and you cry to sleep and you wake up heavy-hearted, but remember: the earth does not stop. Your heart keeps going and your limbs keep moving and you sleep it off, you wake up new, and you face the day with eager, shining eyes, and you love with a full, full heart.

Unknown

How do I save a student when she's nearly drowing?

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum


I teach classes for Form 3 & 5 at night and there's this student, cute and cheerful, her name is R.


After class, she wanted me to eat dinner at her food stall so I obliged with all the other girls. I have heard stories about her from the other teachers that she's something. She scores in her exams but she doesnt practise Islam and she has slept with her boyfriends. Yet, she respects me and never fails to entertain me with her essays and good sentence structure even not a perfect one.


So I went to her stall and ordered the stall's signature dish and while I waited, I looked around only to see the root of her destruction.


Her grandfather is sipping coffee smoking with lips as black as the back of a pot. Mother is the one doing the cooking. Father is sitting with his friends playing cards whilst drinking and smoking. Older sister is feeding her baby who's wearing worn-out clothes and what seem like a diaper about to fall off. The baby is not clean I presume. Older brother is hanging out with his rempit friends. Younger brother and younger sister are glued to the idiot box.


and when she served me the meal, I lost my appetite.

Go Away Sadness

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

I know that there are so many people out there who have it so much worse than me and that I'm only suffering so little. I know this. and I know all the consolations there is. I know. and no matter how many times I say I know, you still need to remind me.

Because I can't think of anything +ve right now and since that day and since I can't remember when. none at all.

I hardly see any rainbows. Just the glaring sun angry at me and then the storm. punishing me.

So this is what a meltdown feels like.

or is it a heartbreak? maybe a nervous breakdown?

For Myself, Please Renew Your Niat Everytime You Teach!

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum


Inspired by an article from Suhaibwebb, I would like to remind myself to:


RENEW, REFRESH, RECONDITION, RENOVATE, RESTORE, REVAMP


my INTENTION every morning I wake up to go to school and teach!!


and I do because I always want the kids to achieve something, anything good that would benefit them, their religion, their family, society and country!


and that's what makes me frustrated when I see that they're not going anywhere! I almost always feel like I have given more than 100% but then the outcomes don't satisfy me and I get exasperated and feel like a failure! No wonder most teachers become stressful! But I am comforted by the excerpt that;


“[And it will be said], ‘Indeed, this is for you a reward, and your effort has been appreciated.’” (Qur’an, 76:22)


nothing ever goes to waste. In the verse above, Allah subhanahu wa ta`alasa’y (effort) is appreciated; it is recognized. That is what we get rewarded for. Whether or not we succeed, it is ultimately the effort that we put in that Allah (swt) takes into account. One of Allah’s Names is Ash-Shakoor: He is Appreciative of what you do, no matter how small, and He rewards it abundantly. Imagine: Allah (swt) is so appreciative, He even rewards our intention! Therefore, we know that those who intend to do well, but cannot do it, are still rewarded. This feeling of failure is actually a deception from shaytan to deter us from trying. He promotes neglect: “Don’t work on your relationship with your parents, they’ll never change,” and makes us doubt: “do you really think that your tiny effort is going to have an effect?” But Allah (swt) rewards you when you try because your trying is testament to the fact that even though you know you are a minor player, you are doing it for His sake.


So I shouldn't be in doubt of my efforts, instead I should double, no, triple my exertion and determination in teaching! I should be able to work hard especially in providing my students with quality education in a system that seem to always wanna break and bring me down. Even though most of my students lack the basic knowledge of the target language and even the fifth formers can't even speak and write primary level English Language, I should be able to get pass this by doing research on what and how best to teach them and then guiding them patiently and helping them get through this. When I'm writing this, I feel that it sounds easier and doable but in actual fact, I know that what I have been through and what I am going through now is an ongoing challenging task and that I need to stand up straight and proud and fight!


Sometimes we deal with Allah (swt) as though He is a human being Who doesn’t know about the worry we feel, the stress, the striving. When we fail to see the results of our effort, we think that we failed and that it was a waste of time. But Allah (swt) tells us:

“And never is your Lord forgetful…” (Qur’an, 19:64)

It's not that I don't know this but as a weak human being, I have a tendency to fall to my knees and dissolve in tears and then comes a soft nasty whisper blowing in my ear saying that I don't have to try so hard because it's not like the students will change, like ever! But then I look at them and even though I admit sometimes I drop a notch from the 100%, I get back up and try again differently and see the result to at least 1 student...but at least its better than none right?


I love this post, do read!


nothing-is-ever-wasted

Its okay to be jiwang sometimes ;"p

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum






The most upsetting part about not living together after marriage
is that no matter how hard and tight I hold my husband close to me
I still miss him so badly
and doesnt it break your heart to look at me
as much as it breaks my heart when I have to let him go?

Missing You~

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

I. DON'T. THINK. SO.


and no thank yous to any clichés. If I need em, I'll let you know.

What Teachers Make

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum





I just HAD to post this, its too inspirational overload!!!


and I needed this!!!


and the video sends shivers down my spine and make me go all I CAN DO IT!!! OH YEAH!!!


but I haven't woke up for tomorrow's school yet ;p

Breakable and Unbearable

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

So how do people do it?


Since its so common for husband and wife nowadays to be living apart or become weekend husband and weekend wife, how on earth do they do it?


Its only been 2 weeks and I am NOT surviving! I don't understand why I'm so weak, vulnerable and fragile yet this is how I have become. You may say this is because I'm a newlywed, well, that's true, so? You may say, tsk tsk, young people these days overreact too much, well, so what can be done about this? You may say, this is only the beginning, so what is the ending? You may say, hold on, never give up and so I say, how do I hold on when my heart hurts? when my whole body and soul hurts? when I got him and then I had to lose him? when before this, it didn't even matter but now it matters so much and too much, when I can't stop thinking about him, when I'm fast losing the battle and nothing else matters? Tell me please...


I have heard every single cliche available and I need something stronger, a heavier dose, something else please. I know its too much to ask but are there any chance that I might get it?


I know other people have it so much harder, some spouse are even overseas! Some are not even in this world anymore. But that still does not explain the pain I feel. I know I'm supposed to put things into perspective and everyone knows I am a positive person but how am I supposed to do that when I'm almost always feeling distressed and depressed!



All I know is the word


PRAY


and that's what I'm doing even though tears are always there when I'm praying :'(


What if I can't handle it? Is it possible that if I sacrifice something more, I might get better?


Heart, don't fail me now!
Courage, don't desert me!
Don't turn back
Now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear!
Or how a road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you
On this journey...


On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns and it suffers every ill that it earns. (pray): "Our Lord! condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; help us against those who stand against faith."
Al-Baqara [2:286]


Ya Allah, the tears sting and its irritating :'(

21.01.2011

Bismillah, Assalamualaikum

I never got round to telling my blog that I am married, well, I am. So there.


I still am ambivalent about being a wife, its all so overwhelming and daunting. I remembered that when it was just around the corner, I was very much flustered that I wasnt prepared physically, emotionally, spiritually and intelectually :-s


and not to say that I am now.


You know, Time stopped on the morning of the 21st January 2011. I remembered people kept telling me that I had to rest because tonight was an important night and that I was treated like a princess! But I couldnt relax, not when I was about to hold a worthy and glorious yet intimidating position that night!


Alhamdulillah everything went well from the solemnization to the reception on my family side and it was at that moment that Time was evil, it went fast forward and I was on autopilot and I could feel my feet above the ground.


I felt like I was flying and that I had someone by my side who would always make sure that I was never going to fall yet at the same time, I'm so terribly scared that I might fall because of my own carelessness. I'm so afraid that if my fingers slipped through his, I might plunge so all I want to do is hold his hand ever so tightly and never letting go. I felt like I was looking down and I saw my family and they were waving at me beaming and cheering me on, wanting me to fly but at the same time, wishing in their hearts that they never had to let me go. and then I was flying faster and faster and I had loved the clouds and fresh air on my face and body and I splayed-out my arms and let loose not wanting to ever come down. and then, he had to fly somewhere else, somewhere far and he let go of my hand and flew in another direction and I didn't want to fly anymore. I wanted to land. So I landed and started walking. and I wanted to run but I couldn't because my heart was heavy and then it hurt and my eyes become blurry with tears. and I couldn't sprint because I couldn't see.




not until he takes my hand again.